Wednesday, October 14, 2009
The Name
Starting this blog, I was not sure what to name it. This was going to be a record of our journey to adopt a baby. A journey that may end with a real baby or not. I had to give that baby a name to make it a bit more real. So Bella it is for now. Bella means "beautiful" and is my daughter's favourite girls name. The baby may turn out to be a boy, or have a completely different name at the end. But for now, it will be baby Bella.
First Talk with my Mother in Law
I knew I would have to talk to Henry's parents about this sooner or later. Henry would happily leave it until we see them again, and even then, he would not feel any pressure to tell them. Sometimes his relaxed nature drives me crazy. So, I took it upon myself.
I was sitting in front of the school yesterday, waiting for Annie to finish with her after school activity when I decided to call. I did not expect her to approve of the idea, even though Henry has been telling me: "If there is one person who will support this it is my mother." I just knew he was wrong.
I didn't waste time and after the initial greeting I told her I have to tell her that we have been thinking about having a third child. I quickly added: "adopting a child". I explained that we were still just thinking about it (not really true, I am quite determined), and that even if we start with the process it will take a very long time to finally have a child placed with us. So there were plenty of time for us to consider this carefully. Then I waited for her reply.
She was quiet for a few seconds, then asked: "Why do you want to do this?" I explained that it is of course not easy to give one's reasons in a neat package, but that adoption was something we have always had in the back of our minds. I also told her that my parents are not supportive at all. She answered: "Well, I think it is a 'fashion statement' and I have to side with your parents. Since Angelina Jolie has adopted that black baby, it has become fashionable. And the people who will pay the price in the end, will be Annie and Harry."
We continued to have a conversation for another ten minutes or so, and I have to say, after the initial shock wore off, she handled it pretty well. At least we discussed it. I tried to give her information, and discussed some potential difficulties of adopting a child. I did not try to explain why we were thinking about this except to say that we did want a third child, and that now would be a good time considering our other children's ages, and the fact that I don't have to work for the next two years. As with my mother I did not defend my ideas, or tried to "convince" her.
All in all, I think it went well. Now it is up to the grandparents to process this. I am sure they will have enough time.
I was sitting in front of the school yesterday, waiting for Annie to finish with her after school activity when I decided to call. I did not expect her to approve of the idea, even though Henry has been telling me: "If there is one person who will support this it is my mother." I just knew he was wrong.
I didn't waste time and after the initial greeting I told her I have to tell her that we have been thinking about having a third child. I quickly added: "adopting a child". I explained that we were still just thinking about it (not really true, I am quite determined), and that even if we start with the process it will take a very long time to finally have a child placed with us. So there were plenty of time for us to consider this carefully. Then I waited for her reply.
She was quiet for a few seconds, then asked: "Why do you want to do this?" I explained that it is of course not easy to give one's reasons in a neat package, but that adoption was something we have always had in the back of our minds. I also told her that my parents are not supportive at all. She answered: "Well, I think it is a 'fashion statement' and I have to side with your parents. Since Angelina Jolie has adopted that black baby, it has become fashionable. And the people who will pay the price in the end, will be Annie and Harry."
We continued to have a conversation for another ten minutes or so, and I have to say, after the initial shock wore off, she handled it pretty well. At least we discussed it. I tried to give her information, and discussed some potential difficulties of adopting a child. I did not try to explain why we were thinking about this except to say that we did want a third child, and that now would be a good time considering our other children's ages, and the fact that I don't have to work for the next two years. As with my mother I did not defend my ideas, or tried to "convince" her.
All in all, I think it went well. Now it is up to the grandparents to process this. I am sure they will have enough time.
First Meeting With the Adoption Lawyer
I saw the American adoption lawyer today. I immediately liked her. She is friendly and but straightforward.
We discussed the stages of the process and the length of time I could expect each stage to take. Basically the paperwork would take a year. And then we would be able to be foster parents to a girl for 6 months before the adoption would be finalised.
She told me that we are her first South African clients. She didn’t know of any other South African who have adopted here apart from one South African woman who did a private adoption. I suspect I know who she is referring to, as I also know of only one other South African woman who adopted here.
I am not really surprised. The expat-community can roughly be divided into three groups, those who work for private companies (and whose main reason for being here is the salary), those who work for the diplomatic service, and those who work for aid agencies/NGO’s/organisations like the UNDP, etc. The most South Africans who are based here are working for large companies, and not NGO’s or aid organisations. So, it is in general not a group of people with strong altruistic inclinations. Not that I think that is the motivation for adopting a child, but it does play a role.
Secondly there is the South African history. We had apartheid. Some white families would take a child into their home during those years, but they would never become part of the family. The adoption lawyer told me that she adopted a child from South Africa 9 years ago, and a black woman approached her in a restaurant and wanted to know who the child is and what she was going to do with it. After explaining that she had adopted the baby the woman asked: “But where will it sleep?” She apparently was very surprised to hear that the baby will sleep with the family in the house.
Things have changed. But when I really thought about it I realised that even the adoption of white children in South Africa has never been looked at very favourably. If you could not have your own children, yes, of course, then a couple would be applauded for doing such a self-sacrificing thing as giving an orphan a home. But even then it would usually be a closed adoption, spoken about in hushed terms. Adopted children were sometimes only told about their adoption when they were adults, or never at all. Orphans and adopted children simply had a lower status in the eyes of the community.
We discussed the stages of the process and the length of time I could expect each stage to take. Basically the paperwork would take a year. And then we would be able to be foster parents to a girl for 6 months before the adoption would be finalised.
She told me that we are her first South African clients. She didn’t know of any other South African who have adopted here apart from one South African woman who did a private adoption. I suspect I know who she is referring to, as I also know of only one other South African woman who adopted here.
I am not really surprised. The expat-community can roughly be divided into three groups, those who work for private companies (and whose main reason for being here is the salary), those who work for the diplomatic service, and those who work for aid agencies/NGO’s/organisations like the UNDP, etc. The most South Africans who are based here are working for large companies, and not NGO’s or aid organisations. So, it is in general not a group of people with strong altruistic inclinations. Not that I think that is the motivation for adopting a child, but it does play a role.
Secondly there is the South African history. We had apartheid. Some white families would take a child into their home during those years, but they would never become part of the family. The adoption lawyer told me that she adopted a child from South Africa 9 years ago, and a black woman approached her in a restaurant and wanted to know who the child is and what she was going to do with it. After explaining that she had adopted the baby the woman asked: “But where will it sleep?” She apparently was very surprised to hear that the baby will sleep with the family in the house.
Things have changed. But when I really thought about it I realised that even the adoption of white children in South Africa has never been looked at very favourably. If you could not have your own children, yes, of course, then a couple would be applauded for doing such a self-sacrificing thing as giving an orphan a home. But even then it would usually be a closed adoption, spoken about in hushed terms. Adopted children were sometimes only told about their adoption when they were adults, or never at all. Orphans and adopted children simply had a lower status in the eyes of the community.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Morning at the Movenpick - 8 October
I dropped Harry off at the playschool at 9 and headed to the Movenpick Hotel. I sat there, drinking coffee and looking at the other guests. I chose it because it is across from Henry's workplace and he would be able to join me for breakfast before I had to pick Harry up again at 12. I savored the time sitting there with my cappucino and my thoughts. I bought myself the "New African" at the hotel shop, but would read it later. I thought about my mother and allowed myself to wallow in self-pity. My eyes were red and puffy after having a good cry the night before.
I have not completed an important research report for my studies, and it was weighing on me. I should focus on that now, I told myself. Complete this report before end November and you would have the whole 2010 to attend to the adoption.
I thought about Henry. He is reluctant about the adoption. I can't do this without him. I need his support. I need him to be on board. And I literally need his signature. We will need to do this together, or not do it at all. What will I do if he refuses to go through with it? He was not particularly enthusiastic about having either of our two other children, but once I was pregnant he beamed. He turned out to be the most loving, involved father ever. And that is why he can appreciate the amount of time and work that goes into caring for a baby. He is realistic and rational and reluctant. Can't blame him.
I have not completed an important research report for my studies, and it was weighing on me. I should focus on that now, I told myself. Complete this report before end November and you would have the whole 2010 to attend to the adoption.
I thought about Henry. He is reluctant about the adoption. I can't do this without him. I need his support. I need him to be on board. And I literally need his signature. We will need to do this together, or not do it at all. What will I do if he refuses to go through with it? He was not particularly enthusiastic about having either of our two other children, but once I was pregnant he beamed. He turned out to be the most loving, involved father ever. And that is why he can appreciate the amount of time and work that goes into caring for a baby. He is realistic and rational and reluctant. Can't blame him.
My Mom's Reaction
CHAT WITH RONELLE (8 October)
I talked to my mom today. And on the spur of the moment I told her that we do not have any definite plans yet, but we are thinking of adopting a baby in a year or so.
Her answer: So what is wrong with you? Can't you have any more children?
I: There is no problem. It is just something that we are considering. And there are so many babies who need families.
Mom: Why would you want to do that?
I: Well, seeing all the children here in need...
Mom: In [that country]? Do you mean to tell me you want to adopt a black baby?
I: Yes...
Mom: You can't do it! You can't do it to your children! You are going to teach Harry that it is okay to marry a black person! You are going to teach him that there is no difference between white and black! You will see, he is going to get married to a black girl! You can't do this to your children. What is wrong with you!
I was absolutely speechless. I expected that she would have reservations. I did not expect this. She continued: Can't you adopt a white baby in South Africa?
I: Because we are not resident there at the moment we are not allowed to. Even if we were there, we would also adopt a black baby, the waiting list for a white baby is about 5 years.
She and my dad phoned me later. My father was calm and asked me about why I am considering adopting a baby. She was in tears, finally saying: If you adopt that baby, you will not bring her to my house! You will not be welcome here anymore!
OH MY...
I could not believe what I was hearing. The rest of the evening I was in a state of disbelief. She has never shocked me like this before. I could not believe that she would say something like that. I could hear that my dad tried to take the phone from her halfway through, but she refused and told him: No, I am going to tell her what I really think! Can you believe that?
REPLY FROM RONELLE
Oh no. This is very bad. And I am surprised by your parents. I would not have expected it. It's not as if we are in the middel of the previous century... I feel so sorry for you. Because, whatever happens in the future, it sounds like she has burned a "mother-bridge"? Don't know if that can be repaired... It does sound as if your dad is more reasonable?
REPLY TO RONELLE
Yes, my dad seems to be more reasonable. Although, perhaps I am just defending him now, he did say "things like this never work out". But I think he realised that he may be talking about a future child of mine, and that whatever he says, it will be remembered. Could we talk again later, I have to go, Henry is here. I have to go cry on his shoulder.
REPLY FROM RONELLE
Sure. Well, in my opinion, all that you can do is wait a while for everything to fall in place in yourself, your head and your heart... I am thinking of you. I think what you want to do is great. Don't give up. But you also don't have to hurry. Chat again later.
I talked to my mom today. And on the spur of the moment I told her that we do not have any definite plans yet, but we are thinking of adopting a baby in a year or so.
Her answer: So what is wrong with you? Can't you have any more children?
I: There is no problem. It is just something that we are considering. And there are so many babies who need families.
Mom: Why would you want to do that?
I: Well, seeing all the children here in need...
Mom: In [that country]? Do you mean to tell me you want to adopt a black baby?
I: Yes...
Mom: You can't do it! You can't do it to your children! You are going to teach Harry that it is okay to marry a black person! You are going to teach him that there is no difference between white and black! You will see, he is going to get married to a black girl! You can't do this to your children. What is wrong with you!
I was absolutely speechless. I expected that she would have reservations. I did not expect this. She continued: Can't you adopt a white baby in South Africa?
I: Because we are not resident there at the moment we are not allowed to. Even if we were there, we would also adopt a black baby, the waiting list for a white baby is about 5 years.
She and my dad phoned me later. My father was calm and asked me about why I am considering adopting a baby. She was in tears, finally saying: If you adopt that baby, you will not bring her to my house! You will not be welcome here anymore!
OH MY...
I could not believe what I was hearing. The rest of the evening I was in a state of disbelief. She has never shocked me like this before. I could not believe that she would say something like that. I could hear that my dad tried to take the phone from her halfway through, but she refused and told him: No, I am going to tell her what I really think! Can you believe that?
REPLY FROM RONELLE
Oh no. This is very bad. And I am surprised by your parents. I would not have expected it. It's not as if we are in the middel of the previous century... I feel so sorry for you. Because, whatever happens in the future, it sounds like she has burned a "mother-bridge"? Don't know if that can be repaired... It does sound as if your dad is more reasonable?
REPLY TO RONELLE
Yes, my dad seems to be more reasonable. Although, perhaps I am just defending him now, he did say "things like this never work out". But I think he realised that he may be talking about a future child of mine, and that whatever he says, it will be remembered. Could we talk again later, I have to go, Henry is here. I have to go cry on his shoulder.
REPLY FROM RONELLE
Sure. Well, in my opinion, all that you can do is wait a while for everything to fall in place in yourself, your head and your heart... I am thinking of you. I think what you want to do is great. Don't give up. But you also don't have to hurry. Chat again later.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Where To Begin
6 October 2009
Dear Ronelle
I am not sure how to tell you this. So I am just going to say it. I am thinking of adopting a baby. There are still many considerations, and we have not finally decided to go ahead.
But it is something that I have always wanted to do. We do not want to have any more biological children, no need to contribute to the problem of overpopulation. But we would like to have another child and there are so many children who do not have a family. And parenting is something we love and enjoy and are seemingly doing well at. I have already enquired about the process and the cost. It will be ideal as I do not have to work while we are expats here in [this country]. The paper work takes long, about a year, the same as in South Africa. We won't be able to adopt in SA right now, as we are not currently resident there. So, it's going to have to be here. Ironic, isn't it? You know how I felt about coming here two years ago. If all goes well, we should be able to have a child in foster care by about July/August next year. Then, after 3-6 months there will be an official adoption in court.
So, yes. There you have it.
About Henry. He is hesitant. He fears that he won't love the baby as much as he loves Annie and Harry. He argues that it is anti-evolusionary, to raise a child with different genes. He does not have the energy for a third baby. He says he longs for time alone with me. I, of course, think that another baby of about Harry's age won't really change our current lifestyle.
My concerns are:
1. Annie and Harry. How will this affect them? My hope is that this will be a positive thing for them. I have such a good relationship with both of them. As you know I consider myself an "attached parent". And I feel comfortable to bring a new sibling into the household. Harry should be about 30 months or so when we get the baby, so the gap won't be too close. It will most probably be a little girl of about a year, so the two of them would be able to play together. It will of course be a black baby, and that will bring unique challenges for them. Experiencing racism and prejudice will be one of the challenges. It will also bring unique opportunities. As one white sibling in a transracial family said: I learned how to be more sensitive to and less threatened by differences than most people I know. I want my children to grow up to be compassionate, open-minded, tolerant, interesting people. But they don't need to have a black sibling in order for them to achieve that. So, this asks for careful consideration.
2. Henry. Will he be able to love the baby as much as our biological children? Will I?
3. The baby. The health of the baby. I would want the baby to be physically healthy. And 'transracial adoption brings up many issues of race and identity, and a focus on education and awareness – not simply pretending every family member is of the same race – will help transracial adoptees grow up confident in their non-traditional roles. Parents are rarely able to comprehend the extent of their children’s racial experiences. Parents often worry about how to deal with their children facing racism that they cannot understand'.
4. Finances. Another child will mean extra school fees, airoplane tickets, clothes, etc. But, as you know, it is not important for me to dress the children in designer clothes.
Another advantage of adopting here is that it will be a child from [this country]. This is such a wonderful culture. Such friendly, beautiful people. Adopting a South African child, would have brought its share of baggage. Image the child learning the history of apartheid and realising that it was 'war' between black and white, between our white, and her black ancestors. I am sure we will be able to handle that, after all, we are different, liberal, open-minded, etc. etc. But some of "my people", the Afrikaners, my grandparents, parents, even friends, have not changed with the times. So, I do think her coming from a different country will make it easier for her. This country is perfect. I have fallen for it in a big way. Annie is learning Swahili at school, our house is filled with Swahili furniture, and I plan on doing an extensive Swahili language and culture course early next year.
There are many reasons for us to adopt a child, but it can be simplified to "a baby gets a family, we get a baby". Adopting a child just fits with who we are, our values and our philosophy on life.
Let me know what you think. You know I value your opinion.
Regards
Emma
Dear Ronelle
I am not sure how to tell you this. So I am just going to say it. I am thinking of adopting a baby. There are still many considerations, and we have not finally decided to go ahead.
But it is something that I have always wanted to do. We do not want to have any more biological children, no need to contribute to the problem of overpopulation. But we would like to have another child and there are so many children who do not have a family. And parenting is something we love and enjoy and are seemingly doing well at. I have already enquired about the process and the cost. It will be ideal as I do not have to work while we are expats here in [this country]. The paper work takes long, about a year, the same as in South Africa. We won't be able to adopt in SA right now, as we are not currently resident there. So, it's going to have to be here. Ironic, isn't it? You know how I felt about coming here two years ago. If all goes well, we should be able to have a child in foster care by about July/August next year. Then, after 3-6 months there will be an official adoption in court.
So, yes. There you have it.
About Henry. He is hesitant. He fears that he won't love the baby as much as he loves Annie and Harry. He argues that it is anti-evolusionary, to raise a child with different genes. He does not have the energy for a third baby. He says he longs for time alone with me. I, of course, think that another baby of about Harry's age won't really change our current lifestyle.
My concerns are:
1. Annie and Harry. How will this affect them? My hope is that this will be a positive thing for them. I have such a good relationship with both of them. As you know I consider myself an "attached parent". And I feel comfortable to bring a new sibling into the household. Harry should be about 30 months or so when we get the baby, so the gap won't be too close. It will most probably be a little girl of about a year, so the two of them would be able to play together. It will of course be a black baby, and that will bring unique challenges for them. Experiencing racism and prejudice will be one of the challenges. It will also bring unique opportunities. As one white sibling in a transracial family said: I learned how to be more sensitive to and less threatened by differences than most people I know. I want my children to grow up to be compassionate, open-minded, tolerant, interesting people. But they don't need to have a black sibling in order for them to achieve that. So, this asks for careful consideration.
2. Henry. Will he be able to love the baby as much as our biological children? Will I?
3. The baby. The health of the baby. I would want the baby to be physically healthy. And 'transracial adoption brings up many issues of race and identity, and a focus on education and awareness – not simply pretending every family member is of the same race – will help transracial adoptees grow up confident in their non-traditional roles. Parents are rarely able to comprehend the extent of their children’s racial experiences. Parents often worry about how to deal with their children facing racism that they cannot understand'.
4. Finances. Another child will mean extra school fees, airoplane tickets, clothes, etc. But, as you know, it is not important for me to dress the children in designer clothes.
Another advantage of adopting here is that it will be a child from [this country]. This is such a wonderful culture. Such friendly, beautiful people. Adopting a South African child, would have brought its share of baggage. Image the child learning the history of apartheid and realising that it was 'war' between black and white, between our white, and her black ancestors. I am sure we will be able to handle that, after all, we are different, liberal, open-minded, etc. etc. But some of "my people", the Afrikaners, my grandparents, parents, even friends, have not changed with the times. So, I do think her coming from a different country will make it easier for her. This country is perfect. I have fallen for it in a big way. Annie is learning Swahili at school, our house is filled with Swahili furniture, and I plan on doing an extensive Swahili language and culture course early next year.
There are many reasons for us to adopt a child, but it can be simplified to "a baby gets a family, we get a baby". Adopting a child just fits with who we are, our values and our philosophy on life.
Let me know what you think. You know I value your opinion.
Regards
Emma
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